One night, a few days after my birthday I was sitting at home when suddenly I had an Aha-moment. A flashback from my birthday night came back, it was a conversation that I had with a guy whom at the time I was crushing on. I remember it clearly because there I was; a few cocktails into the night in a plaid dress while holding my camera in a dark bar. He softly whispered into my ear “I don’t want to date you”
I remember brushing it off as if it was no big deal but in reality it was like some had shoved the ice cubes from the cocktail into my eyelids. What was there to say? In that moment, it was the good things keeping me alive. Oh, and the dance floor!
From that moment forward I realized that I needed to open my eyes to watch things drop. Nothing really made sense as to why someone would lead me on to believe that they also wanted something with me. Could it be that the signs were always there but I chose not to believe them?
-Why is it that we can’t fake the feeling but try to imitate it?
Another long-term friendship also ended for me last year. This time I was the one to fuck it all up by being exactly that person whom I’ve hated for years, the person that I never wanted to be but the one that I became during the friendship. It seems like staying friends with an ex after a relationship is never a smart idea as no matter how much you both have moved on there seems to always be tension in the air. Between the two of us there was a history that couldn’t be erased and the what if’s become stronger. To be honest ending this friendship was heartbreaking as I felt that behind all the miscommunication there was a genuine friendship that had formed. Timing is something that none of us seem to get quite right with relationships. The simple truth is that the people we meet at the wrong time are just the wrong people. We never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people seem to be timeless. The truth is that passing someone up when the timing is wrong only means that we don’t care to spend our time on that person. For this I forgive myself!
In my twenties, friendships like this one have come-and-gone but ultimately the current has washed them all away. As I’ve gotten older I’m finding that making friends has gotten harder. Nowadays friendships are no longer connections; instead they are Tinder matches, Grindr hookups, bar one-night stands and mutual friend connections. When you finally manage to meet someone whom you enjoy spending your time with while having an adult conversation, it seems to be too late as a better match has replaced you.
-Why is it that we so easily give up and let go even when we secretly want more?
When I was younger it seemed like the small things were a huge deal but now that I’ve gotten a bit older I still have no idea what is going. Ending a friendship is hard; it becomes a break-up of two people and their mutual friends. The end is a love gone wrong that sounds like the same old song but ultimately all you can do is move on. I’ve gotten the first few stories wrong but let me tell you that this time I’m gone for good. I Renéh Valdez am the old song.